Pleasant Goat and the Big Bad Wolf - S1E1, Part 1 of 2

Translated this whole episode a few months ago while bored out my skull during the worst of the Beijing cold and pollution, but had a few problems with the translation software, got angry and gave up.

Just now got around to getting the subtitles written up and synced to the first part of the episode. Second half to come when I get around to it.

Wang Shuo - The Troubleshooters Chapter 1

My first translation project ever...the writing is a little awkward and weak, but one of these days I'll go through and clean it up a little. 


Wang Shuo is one of the best-selling and most interesting modern Chinese authors. I'll spare you a long summary, but suffice to say his writing is hilarious and poignant, and for how popular he is in China it is a shame that so few of his works have been translated into English. "The Troubleshooters" is one of his earlier novels, of which I translated about half for a project last year. 


I'll shut up now and just post the first chapter...

“I'm an author. My name is Bao Kang—you ever heard of me?”

“Eh, no I haven't. Really sorry about that.”

At the 3T company headquarters, manager Yu Guan was meeting with the third customer of the morning; a slender, fleshy young man with a big head.

“My pen name is Zhi Qing.”

“Still doesn't ring a bell, tell me, whats your problem? Are you just here looking for something to write about?”

“No, no, I don't have much life experience but I have some topics to fall back on. It's like this, I've written some stuff—really brilliant, weighty stuff—and it's all neglected topics, stuff you never imagined could exist. You read it and it makes your head spin, you're just stunned. I'm not exaggerating, lots of people who have read my stuff feel this way, they say I could at the very least win a national prize, but...”

“Never won?”

“To be precise I haven't even been invited to participate in any, I think I don't even stand a chance. Look, I'm the kind of guy who knows himself. Maybe you don't understand how things work in literary circles; when they give out awards it's all matter of balancing, some good works rise to the top and, for some reason, other equally good ones don't.”

“Ah, I'm afraid we can't help you with this. Right now we don't really have any business with literary circles, and we're short on charming female employees.”

“You've got me all wrong. I'm not asking you to go out and campaign for me. I don't care whether or not I win a national prize, and I'm actually quite indifferent to fame and fortune, I just want my labors to get a little bit of recognition. Any prize would be fine.”

Yu Guan sounded him out: “So what you're saying is that it wouldn't matter if it was a 3T Company award?”

Bao Kang laughed nervously. “This is really embarrassing, what a difficult situation. I'm too straightforward, aren't I?”

“No, no, this is just right. Of course you want this to be on a big scale, right?”

“I don't care about the scale of the thing, but I want it to be serious, with impressive prizes, the most posh theater, and maybe invite some bigwigs from the Democratic Party—I have enough money.”

“How about we give everyone air conditioners as prizes?”

“Everyone? Maybe just for myself...”

“A flower has to hold up its leaves, wouldn't it be lonely standing by yourself on stage? We need to make people from outside the literary scene care, so I think we should give out some awards to famous authors at the same time. That way our award will seem like a big deal, and your name will rise into the ranks of famous authors. Think about it, receiving an award on the same stage as the biggest names in literature, it's gonna make people green with envy.”

“How much is an air conditioner for every person gonna set me back? Although I'd love the opportunity to stand side by side with famous authors, I'm not going to waste a fortune on it.”

“If you don't approve of such extravagance then we have more economical options. We can split up the awards, give you the top prize of an air conditioner, give out cheap cameras for the rest of the prizes, and only choose the most famous authors.”

“Oh this is good.” Bao Kang was all smiles, “I get an air conditioner, everyone else gets cheap cameras, that sounds pretty reasonable. Put together a budget and I'll come by later and pay up.”

“Can you bring me some of your works to look through when you come by to pay? Of course it's up to you which one of your pieces will win, it's just that I've never really been face to face with an honest to goodness author before, and I've never really had a chance to receive such moving literature.”

“Of course.” Bao Kang said modestly, “I can even give you my autograph. My most well known works are 'The Legend of The Eastern Empress Dowager' published in Xiaoshuo Qun and 'I Want to Say What I Can't Say but Must Say' in Zuojia Lin.”¹

“Terrific, I'm sure they're great. I've almost lost interest in doing anything else.”

As Yu Guan showed the young author to the door, Bao Kang was suddenly struck with a worrisome thought. “Tell me.” he said, “what if the famous authors put on airs and refuse to accept the award?”

Yu Guan comforted him. “Don't worry about it, whether or not they accept is their business, and if they don't then we'll issue them forcefully.”

“Thanks, thanks so much.” The young author turned to face Yu Guan and enthusiastically grasped his hand, “trimming makes an oil lamp brighter and conversation makes a truth clearer, you've really enlightened me.”

“Don't worry about it. Our company is here to help people like you who have ambition but don't know how to follow through.”

At an intersection in a busy commercial area, a beaming Yang Zhong strode up to a police booth, where a young girl he had never seen before was standing.

“Sorry I came late, I rushed but I still couldn't make it on time. Have you been waiting long?”

“No problem, you don't have to apologize.” Liu Meiping studied him curiously. “Anyway, I'm not waiting for you, so it doesn't really matter whether or not you came late.”

“Actually you are waiting for me, you just don't know it yet. I'm the only guy coming to see you today.”

“Really? You know what I'm up to better than I do? Stop bothering me, the police are right next to us.”

“Could I be wrong?” Yang Zhong said without the least bit of embarrassment, his smile still broadly plastered on his face. “Aren't you Liu Meiping, the handkerchief sales counter manager for the general merchandise company, waiting for a proctologist named Wang Mingshui? Which one of us is mistaken?”

“But Wang Mingshui has two moles on the side of his nose!”

“Yep, and they're still there. He was pulled out of bed at dawn this morning for a medical emergency, some official wouldn't stop bleeding. He didn't want to hurt your feelings, so he called up my company and hired us to keep his date with you. I'm Yang Zhong, from the 3T company, here's my card.”

“The 3T company?” Liu Meiping hesitantly took his card and gave it a quick glance. “What do you guys do? It sounds like you sell pesticides.”

“'3T' is an abbreviation for our mission statement: people hire us to break difficult news, relieve boredom, and fill in for them.”²

“I can't believe this actually exists. What kind of people are you, just a bunch of shameless layabouts?”

“We're honest business people! Our aim is to make up for the lack of certain social services. You don't think we could have fun today?”

“I'm not really used to this sort of thing. I was just sitting here waiting for my boyfriend, but instead some affectionate body double shows up and I'm supposed to be all lovey with him? Is that what this is?”

“It's not like you have to shift your affections over to me; we have a professional code which forbids me from seducing you, it's our vow to our customers. You probably understand what I'm saying, today I'm going to keep you company and look after you as if I were Wang Mingshui.”

“Do you really think that you could be as considerate as him?”

“I wouldn't dare say that I'll be exactly the same—that would mix everything up—but I'll do my best to make this as natural as possible. Where were you guys planning on going today?”

The two of them walked side by side down the street.

“Mingshui said he would by me a fur coat today.”

“Oh, he certainly wouldn't want me to take his place for something like that.”

“I'm sure this wont be the same, Mingshui has always been very generous.”

1The first publication, “小说群” (xiaoshuo qun) translates as “novel/fiction group/herd/flock”...I would like to translate it with the “herd” or “flock” and present it as a not so subtle joke, but I couldn't tell whether or not that was the intention, so it has been relegated to the footnotes. The second publication, “作家林” (zuojia lin) translates literally as “author forest”, which I also chose not to translate in the text because I wasn't aware if the humor I found in it was just a product of my imagination.

2The “T” in “3T” stands for the character “替" (ti), which means “to substitute for, to take the place of, on behalf of.” The general idea is that their company is hired to fill in for people in difficult everyday situations, but the general character of the name just doesn't translate at all.